More Life

And more surrender

It’s been three months since my last podcast episode or real “check in” on Substack or elsewhere. An abrupt, quiet shift came on fast and furious! Serious creative confusion. Unclear direction. All momentum felt like it came to a standstill. I sensed there was wisdom and lessons to download, but the message was very unclear and I like clarity. Things that were flowing were no longer flowing. By late-March, I went fully inward, embracing silence. I stopped sharing podcast episodes, even though several are edited and ready in drafts. I cleared my calendar of all recordings, despite my excitement for those inspiring guests. Substacks sat in draft form. Great Mother took a backseat. I off-and-on deleted Instagram, eventually stepping away from posting and checking in. Without a plan, I followed a deep, confusing call from within to go quiet.

At the time, I didn't know what I was making room for or what I was surrendering to. I had just turned 30 and on the first cycle of this new decade, my next baby landed, without effort or planning. That silence finally made sense. I was creating life.

I recently listened to Hannah’s Children, a portrait of the 5% of American women who choose to defy low birth rates and have 5 or more children. I didn’t pick this up because I necessarily plan to follow in these footsteps, but because I was looking for representation of mothers and mothering that felt resonant to me and all-encompassing. I wanted to hear from mothers who see their children as their purpose, their contribution, and their greatest blessing. I read it within a week, which says something for someone who hasn’t read a full book in over a year.

These moms reflected something I have felt over the past year, something I resist at times but return to often. That my gifts, my self-abundance, my contribution in this life has remained inaccessible and only has been unlocked by my decision to participate in bringing babies into this world. I get wrapped up at times in comparison games of ‘wow, that course she’s teaching is cool’ or ‘ugh I should get back to my podcast’ or ‘I have x y or z to offer and I want to share it now’ but they have never satisfied my body, mind and soul like my gift of a child. These blessings are eternal.

“I had to decide whose voice I trusted more—God’s, or the world’s. And God was the only one promising joy, not just success.”

One of the main theses of the book is that the women who choose to bear many children opt into a deliberate rejection of an autonomous, self-regarded lifestyle in favor of a way of life intentionally limited by the demands of motherhood. That may feel and sound controversial, because on the reverse, that implies something about women who do not choose to bear many children. But it's one speculation that has stood the test of pro-natalist policies around the world. Pro-natalist policies use financial and social support strategies to promote higher birth rates and they haven’t worked anywhere. And when they do show some success, it’s only slight and temporary, often shifting the timing of when people choose to have kids, rewarding those that already were going to have kids, and not having any lasting impact. So in the book, if demographers are correct, expressive individualism in American culture and our self-regarding lifestyles are a big component of the low birth rates in our country. We prioritize comfort, freedom, individualism-all things that lie directly contrary to life with young kids.

So back to how this relates to my months of silence and what I’ve been reflecting on. Every baby brings its lessons and humbling reminders. My lesson has been loud and clear that I am not working on my own timing or my own plans. There are plans out of my control that are far greater than I could imagine for myself. That I am not living for “me” — the individual. I brushed up against this with Baby #1 but once you get in the flow with just one baby at home, you can more easily return to your pre-baby plans and natural flow of things. So I quickly had my whole summer planned, Great Mother was on a tight schedule, we had weddings on weddings to attend. Baby #2 is here to remind me that babies may be a way of life for me, not just a season of pregnancy, then postpartum, then back to “me”. More surrender needs to take place. Far different timelines need to be accepted. Take the pressure off and enjoy it. In this season I am surrendering to personal sacrifice and it’s enabled by my faith in the eternal, faith that children are the greatest contribution and blessing I can offer.

“Could you pursue an even more intimate relationship with God? Could you respond to any and all inner guidance He provides unconditionally? That’s what life is about, a relationship—whether or not I can attain unconditional dynamics with God.” - Caroline Myss

I know this writing went further than just mentioning I am pregnant with another baby boy, and I dipped into reflecting on our culture and shared rambling feelings. And I’m not always good at wrapping up loose ends with my writing. I guess I feel as though what I’ve felt in the silence is that my whole life has shifted perspective. I hope to not be rushed, hurried, trying to get my plans made. That feels like the shift. I pray to not control my plans but trust in God’s.

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